I faked an abortion last night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
