In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
