my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
