Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
