The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
