I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
