I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
