How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
