i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize