So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
