why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
