My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
