I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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