so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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