I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Randomize
