Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
