Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
