Old men and throwing up are my life now.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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