We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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