I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just want to make out with him forever
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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