i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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