Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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