she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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