it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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