Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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