: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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