Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i barfeds in our rink
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
