Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
