tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
