I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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