Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
