he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I can't trust your balls anymore.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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