So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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