Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
