dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
