he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
