How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
