He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
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That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
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At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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