Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
