shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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