Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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