watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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