Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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