How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
