When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
