I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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