Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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