i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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