I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
