just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
