my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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