I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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