I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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