Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
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On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
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I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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