was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
