I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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