i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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