Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail