last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!