I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."