He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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