No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
