mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
