sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
