I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
